I have so much to say, and yet, right now, the words don’t come easy.
Stepping away from VO for on this post a bit, I need to take time to come to grips with the fact that I just lost the man who taught me everything I knew about how to be one. He was a great man. He was the patriarch of this family. He was the man who would freeze, while giving someone else the shirt off his back, or starve, to give someone else his last morsel of food. He was many things to many people…but to me, he was dad.
His last few years weren’t easy, and I’d rather not go back down the road of what a devastating thing Dementia/Alzheimer’s can be, and how it affects, not only the afflicted, but also the friends, family, and loved ones around them. I am not relieved to lose him, but I am, to some degree, glad that the suffering of such an undignified experience has finally ended for him. He was a fiercely independent man, and knowing that he would ever need to rely on anyone to take care of him in his final days…well, let’s just say that if Dr. Kevorkian was still out there doing his thing, I know exactly what my dad would have chosen…and that would’ve been to go on his own terms, with his dignity intact. I always thought of Dr. Kevorkian as such an evil man…a murderer…but it’s only now in my current situation that I can say that I truly understand what he was doing, and how he actually allowed people to go out on their terms, the way they wanted do…with dignity. This type of assisted-euthenasia that he become so popular for, was actually a form of mercy.
I’ve had a few days to digest this, and all I can say is this: My father did not live the life of sacrifice that he did to have kids who didn’t chase their dreams, and didn’t seize every opportunity. On his deathbed, before he left us, I told him that his job was done, and that he could go in peace. I told him that he did well, and that I only hoped that I made him proud. As I sit here typing, however, all I can think about is what his last thoughts were. Did he have any regrets? What did he wish to do, that he never got to experience? These thoughts haunt me, but worst of all, I know that he would NOT be proud or happy if he knew that I was living a life, one that he worked so hard to provide for me, where I did not take my shot at every opportunity that I dreamed to achieve.
As such, his passing has given me renewed focus and clarity. I will not allow his life and legacy to be leaving behind kids who shoot for anything less than the moon. I was often my own biggest obstacle. I sometimes self-sabotaged. No more. I will never again be the reason for my own failures, at least, not knowingly.
Today, I begin a new chapter. I’ll continue to chase my dreams, but this time, without limits. I was handed a contact some time ago to see about drifting into the lane of on-screen acting, along with voice acting. When I received this information, I once again went back to that old frame-of-mind, “Yeah…let’s be real…what chance does a 40-something guy like me have at this type of life?”, and I chucked the contact information under my keyboard. Today, I’m fishing that information back up from under there, and I’m going to use it. If I fail, then I fail, but at least I’m taking my shot. That is something I can live with. Not taking my shot, however, will never gain be my routine. To honor my dad, I’m going to make the most of the life that he worked so hard to give me…because anything less, would be an insult to all he stood for and all he fought for to give his kids, and entire family, the opportunities they have today.
Dad, I love you and will miss you always. I wish I had more time with you to share the things we never got to do. To say the things I never got to say. To give you things in return for all that you gave us…but I will continue to work to make you proud, and I will never stop chasing my dreams. Thanks for all you’ve done. Rest easy now. Your work here is done, and all we want is for you to move on in peace, knowing that we appreciate all that you did to make our lives easier. Because of you, we will all be OK…kids, grandkids, and beyond. You will always be our rock.
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